We are Jedidiah.

Sometimes I’ll touch something and it makes me think of Jedidiah’s sweet chubby cheek. I treasured every brush of his cheek against mine. His smell, his warmth, his soft fuzzy skin. I never relished in the smells and sounds of my other children the way I did Jedidiah’s. I am so thankful that the LORD prepared my mind and my heart to know that we would say goodbye so that when the precious few moments I had to hold him came, I could rejoice and cherish them as I never had before. I miss him.

Faces of Loss

Here is a site that focuses on having moms share their stories.  It has been so healing for me to journal about this journey, and I am excited to see this website.  I had not seen it before yesterday.  They also have groups (Friends’ groups, not support groups, per se) that are able to be set up in your local area.  To use their terminology: I am the face of pregnancy and infant loss.  http://facesofloss.com/

The following is one mom’s way of healing and helping others heal from pregnancy/infant loss…

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

“Day 1. Sunrise I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning! When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise {just for fun!} Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you before your loss. You could share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done if you would prefer that! Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss. Sam as yesterday if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done! Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it. Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all. Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it. Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it own – photograph it. Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it! Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is. Day 10. Symbol Do you have a symbol for your baby/ies/child/ren? It could be a butterfly, dragonfly, a humming-bird, dolphin, seashell, share what it is and why it is so symbolic to you. Day 11. Supportive Friends/Family Who has been there for you? Day 12. Scents Do you have a scent that you relate to your baby/ies/child/ren? Is it a candle scent, perfume, food or maybe a flower? Share it with us! Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had. Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended. Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves. Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do? Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner? Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on. Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website! Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren. Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner. Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them. Day 24. Siblings This could be done two ways – your could photograph your own siblings and post about how grief has affect them or you can post about your other living children. I know that not everyone has living children but I felt it was important to include the children who are left here to grieve their brothers and sisters. Capture a sibling, niece or nephew’s grief. Maybe you could share a drawing they have done or even just a photo of them holding something that represents their brother or sister that they are missing. Give them a voice here. Day 25. Baby Shower/Blessing Share a photo from your baby shower or blessing. Maybe you could show everyone the gifts you received that you were not able to use. Day 26. Their Age How old was your baby/ies/child/ren when they died. Write it down on a piece of paper. If they died whilst you were pregnant you can write their gestation. Day 27. Artwork Share some artwork that reminds you of your baby/ies/child/ren or something that was created for them by you or someone else. Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory. Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!) Day 31. Sunset To close this project and month I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

This project was created In Loving Memory of all the babies who died during pregnancy and the little ones that could only stay with their parents for the shortest of times. No parent should ever have to bury their child. We will speak about these precious lives. We will honour them. We will remember them.”

Here is the image she created to get the word out…

A soft goodbye

The words won’t come.  The ache is too great.  My breath, part of my life is gone forever.

Tears fall and the heart beats.  The ache spreads and grips hold of every portion of who I am.

I scream.  I sob.  I push away the hands of those who love me, who love him.

He is mine and I am his… his mother.

He is gone.

Reality slams into my chest and the world around swims through tear after tear after tear.

I try to think of others; those around me grieving… those who love him too and love me as well.

I want them to get to hold him but I don’t want to lose the warmth of his body.  I want to pretend he is still here with me.

A change of clothes.  A sample of his adorable red hair.  Measuring his now relaxed body.

He is tall.  My night owl, my tight-fisted fighter.

It is time to let him go.   I will never see his earthly body again.

With a kiss and a whisper, I speak a soft goodbye.

I met a woman a few weeks ago.  She had suffered a miscarriage, a still birth, and the death of her four-day-old son… more than 30 years ago (probably more, actually).  When I shared with her what Intentional Intimacy is doing for families grieving infant loss, she had teary eyes as she shared how important she thought that such retreats would be for families.  Infant loss, no matter the form, brings heartbreak that does not end during the mother’s or father’s lifetime.  Just as any loss, a person faces each day anew and tries to find a new normal.

The problem for those facing infant loss is the expectation that “well, you can have another one” or “you can always adopt.”  Would you ever say to a friend who has just lost their spouse, “well, you can always marry again?”  What about to a child who has lost his dad, “Don’t worry, your mom will marry again and then you’ll have a new dad?”  No, of course not.  Yet, with infant loss, that is the perception by those who have not experienced it.  At my son’s memorial service someone tried to comfort me with, “At least you can always have another baby.”  A few people did over the weeks and months before and after his death.  Jedidiah is a unique individual who can never be replaced by another baby.  Savannah Grace is a little bitty life that I never even felt wiggling inside me, but she, too, is a unique individual.  Neither of them can be replaced.

After Job lost everything, including his ten children, God replaced all of his earthly possessions DOUBLY.  Yet, Job only had ten more children.  Why didn’t God replace his blessings of children DOUBLY as well?  I believe that it is because those children can NOT be replaced by another.

This month is Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness month.  During this month, I will be adding links to organizations and blogs that focus on infant loss.  Some provide goods and services, others provide counseling, and some are blogs of mothers dealing with their own infant loss.   May this month be a blessing to you or to someone you know who is walking a journey of loss at this time.

Sometimes the pain is so great that it takes my breath away. One moment I am laughing about something someone said, and then a mama with her baby tucked sleepily into her carseat will walk by, and I can’t stop the tears, even if I try. Driving alone is still the most emotional place, probably because there is no likelihood of anyone walking in on me. This morning, I was praising the LORD for all He has done, but especially for Jedidiah and all He did with his little life, and then, WHAM!– the tears and the pain and the uncontrollable sobs. If you see me smile and laugh and speak matter-of-factly about my son, don’t think that I “have handled it,” that I am “over it,” that I “have coped well.” I simply have and will continue to take each moment as it comes, with the joy, with the pain, with the sorrow, and with the triumphs. Some days the pain rises to the top and there is nothing I can do but feel it, explore it, and ask the LORD to show me what to do next.

Looking back at some of Jedidiah’s pictures the last couple of days, I noticed that in a few of them, just before and after they moved us from the delivery room to the postpartum room, his coloring is so gray/blue.  His hands are down away from his face, and he looks like he will be gone soon.  What amazes me is that even after his heartbeat had dropped into the 60s and the nurse told us that it probably wouldn’t be much longer, God energized Jedidiah’s heart–pinking him up, bringing up those fists, ready to fight for more time to make an impact on this earth.

My heart has ached alot for him this week.  Probably because I experienced my first day without thinking of him.  I was busy and stressed and I didn’t think of him.  When I realized it, I was so ashamed for a moment.  What kind of mother does that?  But, I think God allowed me to have that time so that I could see that even if I spend a day focused elsewhere, Jedidiah still matters.  And, time is healing.  I cannot be mired in grief and shame if I am to be effective for the glory of God or for loving my ‘still earthly’ children. (I can’t say ‘living’ children because Jedidiah still lives, just not with me).