Archive for January, 2012

January 30, 2012

More than jealous

Sitting here taking a quick break from work, I looked at FoxNews and watched the first part of a report about Rick Santorum’s daughter.  She has trisomy 18.  They were told not to expect to have her with them but for a few hours or days, but she is 3 years old now.  I am jealous that they have had her with them for so long.  But, more than that, I thankful that they have had them with them for so long, that they have not faced the pain of saying goodbye to their precious baby.

Knowing that they live with constant reminders that life is fragile and vital and vibrant makes me stop and think more about her father.  I haven’t really paid attention to the race at this point because, quite honestly, it is exhausting to try to get to the truth outside of all the spin.  I don’t want to think about voting for someone simply because I feel more connected to them, so I guess I need to look into the policies, the procedures, the qualifications, and the heart (as they have revealed it) of these candidates.  Not that I will be voting until the big vote because I am not registered with a particular party.

More than jealous, I pray that their little girl will continue to bring each life she touches closer together–relating, loving, and maturing.  I know that the Father will not take her home one moment before her earthly life is complete, so I am more thankful than jealous for this family who values their little one, as all little ones deserve to be valued.

January 30, 2012


A friend just posted on fb that her ultrasound went well and that her son looks healthy.  I am so glad for her.  I am jealous, too.  I wish I could go back to that day in the ultrasound room and have someone shake me awake.  I wish that we never had to hear the words “incompatible with life.” I wish that I was stronger.  I want my son.  I want to know what he would look like at this age. I want to see him growing and changing and laughing.

I know that his life was perfect.  I know that he is in a better place away from the cares of this world.  I know these things, but I still hurt.  I still ache.  Thankfully, I have hope.  I have peace.  I have the love of a Father who cares to hold all my tears.

January 9, 2012

Passage of time

Yesterday was January 8.  Nine months.  Only someone who has lost a close loved one will understand the marking of time by the date of that person’s birth and death.  It used to make me feel uncomfortable when other people around me pointed out their dates of significance, but I didn’t get it.  However, I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, so I said nothing.  No one knew.  I wish I didn’t mark time by the 8th of every month now.  Not because I want to forget Jedidiah… only because I want to be able to let go of more of the sadness and focus on the joy and blessings Jedidiah brought into our lives more easily.  God is good, and my heart is healing.  I just wonder when I will stop looking at each day as a day that I get further away from my time with my son.

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