Posts tagged ‘hope’

December 8, 2015

The Object of Anticipation

Anticipation… hope, excitement, expectancy, planning, joy. Anticipation denotatively means “the feeling of looking forward, usually excitedly or eagerly, to something that is going to happen.” Just like the Japanese art of kintsugi, the object of desire—the object of anticipation—is shattered, seemingly irreparable. Perhaps the damage was done knowingly—purposefully. Often, however, it appears to completely chance, completely random and meaningless.

Kintsugi sake cup broken
As the object of anticipation is in pieces, we have a choice. Do we throw it away? Do we give it up—the hope, the symbolism, the joy? Or, do we begin the process of reforming it? The pieces must be assessed. The pieces may be jagged and cracking. They be slivered and scattered. Some may need to be smoothed. Some may not be reusable; once assessed, they may need to left out of the renewal project. Each piece is painstakingly touched, restored, or lovingly removed. Yet, in the hands of a Master, in the heart of the Creator, something beautiful is designed.

Kintsugi sake cup repaired center
The pieces will not, ever, fit back together exactly as they once did. Something has been lost, fragments of dust even, but a loss has occurred. The Master recognizes this loss, acknowledges this loss, and must gently and painstakingly make a filling that is specific and unique to the missing fragment or space. The object of anticipation is not, will never be, the same again. But, the beauty in the acknowledgment. The beauty in the change of anticipation. The beauty in the process of recreating. They are all so valuable to the Master and to the piece now recreated.
Anyone who has the opportunity to touch this piece knows that they hold something thoroughly and meticulously touched by the Master who thought of every line, every edge, every angle, and every depth of filling, every width of space… He has touched and detailed it all.

Kintsugi sake cup repaired inside

As time moves on, it may appear that more and more is repaired, yet, the reality is that the pain, the grief, the missing pieces, will be missing forever. The perspective or aspect might change, but the loss never will, and, thankfully, neither will the love the Creator!

Five years ago today my object of anticipation—the expectation of a sweet new life in our family—also included many “negative” anticipations… fear, dread, concern. We had lost Savannah Grace, nothing seemed to be going right in our ministry, jobs, or home, and my pregnancy just felt “off.” On December 8, 2010, we found out why. I have always wanted to be used by God and for God, but I never wanted to feel the pain of the shattering, the pain of loss and removal. I can say with certainty that God loved me enough to piece me back together; I am golden because He has pieced me back together and created beauty from my pain.


NOTE: These pictures were copied from Lakeside Pottery. I do not have an endorsement or anything of the like from them. I use these pictures with respect for your craft. However, if you wish for me to remove them, I will do so. Thank you for the beauty you create. It is such a gift.

October 27, 2015

Memory explosion

As I rubbed cocoa butter on my dry, cracked hands, I was reminded of the day we received Jedidiah’s diagnosis. As many of you have read before, one of the first things Jim did when we met up after I received the call from the doctor was to massage my cracked, bleeding hands with lotion. It has been almost 5 years since that day. I have had many times of hurting, dry hands. I wonder why tonight the memory exploded?

I wrote those above words ten days ago just before bed. Just a day before my “rainbow” baby and I both got sick, and I spent four days constantly monitoring his temperature (which was higher than any of my other kids ever, for longer than any of them had had a fever, too), wondering if he was going to be ok and if I was doing everything I was supposed to do to take care of him. The fear that grips when one of my boys is ill or out-of-touch is different now since losing Jedidiah. The fear threatens to explode just as my memories do, and the fear is paralyzing.

I don’t have time for the fear. Not because I am busy but because I am busy living! I need to live for my husband, for my earthly children, for Jedidiah, but mostly for myself.

I need to live, so

I welcome the memories.

I welcome the tears.

I welcome the triumphs,

and I reject the fears.

I need to love, so

I love out loud.

I love with hope.

I love with abandon,

and I reject the fears.

If you have lost a little one, may the memories some day bring you joy, but for now, if you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. But, please, please, work hard and work long to reject the fears.

May God bless and keep you.

November 5, 2014

Be*loved, be*lov*ed… GO*love, be*lov*ed!

Romans 1:7 “to all who are beloved of God in Rome, called as saints: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.”

While reading this morning, I came across the word beloved in Romans 1:7.  It had a letter cross-reference letter before it (I was reading in the NASB copyright 1977). I am drawn to the word beloved whenever I see it in Scripture. The reference verses were Romans 5:5 and 8:39.

“3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:3-5

“37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

Ahh, God loves us!!! Circumstances of pain on this floating ball of rock cannot stop the flow of love–His love and our outpouring of His love to our fellow man. Hope does NOT disappoint. We hope for change. We hope for joy. We hope for love. And, nothing, NOTHING, will ever separate us from Him and from our ability to reach out in our sufferings to love the person hurting beside us.

Let’s not stop of at the warm-fuzzy “oh, I am loved; isn’t God great” feeling. God is in the little things; He is in the big things; He is in all things in between. He cares about the election we just had and the results; He cares about the young girl being trafficked as I type this (and He equips brave warriors I know to work hard and pray harder to remove her from that life); He wants us to reach out and love… LOVE. Be kind, caring, compassionate.  Look for those people who might not help you but whom you might help. Look into the eyes of the people you pass and CARE what their answer is to your habitual, “How are you?” Let’s revolutionize the segment of people we have contact with in order to revolutionize the world. Be intentional!

November 18, 2013

Baby clothes

With a new baby boy on the way, I am trying to prepare my heart for baby clothes. Baby clothes? Yes, baby clothes. Walking by the baby section of a store was excruciatingly painful for many months after Jedidiah’s death, but that is not to what I am referring. The only baby clothes we have left from our many blessings are the few that I purchased just in case Jedidiah lived for a few days. I didn’t want to have to run out to the store or worry about getting new clothes washed before he could wear them. Now that we know that Baby is a boy, I can put those clothes on Baby instead of Jedidiah. While there are emotions there, it isn’t bad. The outfit that I am scared, yes, scared, to prepare for Baby is the cute little blue outfit that all of my boys have worn.

You see, after Jedidiah’s bath, we put him in that outfit. He didn’t wear anything else until after his death. I placed that outfit on our front table after Jedidiah died, and when we got ready for his memorial celebration, I placed it in a shadow box. I remember picking it up, and his sweet, sweet smell surrounding me. I placed it lovingly in the shadow box frame with plans to put pictures of each of the boys in that outfit inside the frame, too. I couldn’t find the pictures in time for the celebration, so it just held the empty outfit; it seemed fitting in a way since I was empty—empty in so many ways.

Now, I need to take the outfit out of its shadow box—a shadow box that is not hanging but lying covered in a drawer because of the pain instead of joy that it brings me. I obviously don’t have to put the outfit on Baby. I’m sure no one would care, but each of my sons have worn it, and I don’t want that to change. And, through time and God’s healing ways, I know in my heart that He will restore the precious, positive, wonderful memories instead of the thoughts of emptiness.

But, I am scared–scared that maybe a bit of Jedidiah’s smell will still be there but even more scared that it won’t be.

July 10, 2013

Their Sweet M&M

Myla Michelle was born into heaven on July 3rd. Her name means ‘merciful.’

Her parents speak of the joy in the sadness and the beauty of her short life. The doctors had it all wrong, telling them even that Myla would be a boy. Medicine isn’t perfect.

Nonetheless, her mama knew her. She saw her beauty and her perfection packed into 3 lb 11 oz. Myla’s mama was awakened each morning by her little early bird, spending time getting to know each other as only a mama and baby can.

Daddy has been strong and loving, and he wore pink for his little girl’s funeral. Myla’s mama and daddy had to make the tough choice of bringing her into the world a bit early for mama’s health concerns. What a decision that none of us ever want to face.

They say good bye to their sweet M&M this afternoon, right about now as I type. As Myla’s body goes to her earthly resting place, please wrap your prayers around them. While they know her spirit is in heaven with the LORD, the separation will be almost unbearable. A pain that no one can take for them, that no one but God can ease for them.

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