Posts tagged ‘jedidiah’

April 8, 2015

Four years ago…

I was sure that I could never come to a place where I would wear the shirt I wore in Jedidiah’s nilmdts maternity photo shoot. I had bought the shirt for that purpose; it still had creases from where we folded it to show off my Jedidiah belly. On Easter, three days ago, I wore the shirt for the first time in more than four years. I had left the shirt hanging on its hanger, moved when we moved. No one knew what the shirt meant. It is just a shirt, after all. But, to me, it was so much more.
Four years and a day ago I would not have put that shirt on. At no time in the last four years could I have brought myself to do so. Am I a freak? No, I am grieving. “But, Kim,” you say, “it has been four years today. Surely, you are beyond that by now.”
Four years and a day ago I may have thought the same thing. The reality is that for 36+ years, I walked through life not knowing the grief process. Oh, I could list the stages of grief and I could sympathize with someone, but I did not KNOW the grief process. And, the truth is, the grief process is a life-long process. As many have said and as I recently read in an article about Keanu Reeves, “All you can do is hope that grief will be transformed.”
Grief is transformed when I receive a hug from my “love letter from God” and his big brothers. Grief is transformed when I look at Jedidiah’s precious pictures and smile. Grief is transformed when I speak of his impact. Grief is transformed when I choose not to speak. Grief is transformed when I trust (but possibly not always feel) that Jedidiah’s life and his death were God’s plan, His plan A. Grief is transformed when I receive the outpouring of love that so many of you, my friends and family, have expressed.
I am transformed for having held my son, weathered the dark months of nightmares and pain, coming out the other side to KNOW that there is a God and He loves me, loved me enough to trust with me with one of his precious ones.
So far, today has been Jedidiah’s hardest birthday for me. I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t have specific plans because so much of everyday life could not be altered. Maybe because what I had wanted to do to commemorate his life this year was not able to happen. Maybe it is simply one of those days where God is holding me tight as I relive the loss so that as we walk into a time of ministering to others, I am better equipped to meet their needs. Whatever the reason… THANK YOU to those of you who have prayed and who continue to pray for me. I could not make it through without your prayers. God, please give my baby a hug from me.

April 8, 2013

Happy 2nd birthday, Jedidiah!

I had a wonderful opportunity to speak at a women’s Bible study during their testimonial series earlier this year.  I was able to write down my testimony from the past three and a half years.  During that time, I wept and I laughed.  I remembered magnificent and dreadful moments that had gotten concealed in the passage of time.

Grief does not go away.  It doesn’t even change.  Jedidiah is my son.  It is as true today as it was two years ago, yet as life marches forward; new babies are born to friends, weekly activities overtake birthdays, and those physically present before us become the ones we pour into.  The passage of time will bring new awareness, new understanding, new needs, and new loves.  But, it does not change grief.

Encarta’s definition of grief is “intense sorrow…great sadness, especially as a result of a death.”  No, grief does not change.   Not for me.  In any moment I can feel the intensity of the loss of my son.  I can feel my arms empty.  I can feel my heart heavy.  I can’t specifically recall his smell, yet I know that it was sweet and strong.  The passage of time will take away memories, will lessen the ability to stay caught in the moment of death, will give fresh perspective, will reveal God’s purpose, will bring comfort.

While the grief itself will not change, the process of grieving does.  The passage of time will force change.  I am so thankful for my moments with Jedidiah, and I am thankful for the last two years.  God uses the passage of time to reveal His bigger plan, His greater purpose.  I can become a blubbering mess in 2.2 seconds and reenter my grief at any time, but God holds me tight and loves me and shows me “why” and “what now.”  So, I don’t most of the time, not now.  I choose what I think about, focus on, and do with what I have.  Everyone must as time passes—whether they have lost a child or another loved one, or even if they are simply having a rough time in life.

So, today we honor Jedidiah by moving on with life.  His brother gets his braces off, and all of his brothers will be at Scouts this evening.  And, today we honor Jedidiah by stopping to think of him in specific ways.  His father took the day off to be close by my side; we will take cookies to the team at Vanderbilt, we will cook dinner for friends with a new baby, and we will bake a cake to celebrate his life.

My many thanks to those of you who have been aware of his birthday and have taken the time to reach out to me, letting me know that he has not been forgotten by you.

May God shine upon you today, and reveal His immense and marvelous love.

December 31, 2012

What brings sadness and joy as time progresses?

The joyful news that Heather is leaving to work in Seattle.  I am overjoyed for her, for her career.  But, knowing that both she and Nathan (he left this fall) are no longer at News Channel 5, just causes an ache in my heart.  Heather and Nathan brought something to our time with Jedidiah that we could never have had without them.  They are incredibly precious to me.  Their hearts—so giving, so loving.  Their talents—such blessings.

Lord, God, thank You for them, and please bless them as they continue on their journeys through this life.  Thank You so very much that You allowed our paths to cross.  From the moment of receiving Jedidiah’s diagnosis, we wanted nothing more than to ensure his life brought You glory.  You used Heather and Nathan to bring that prayer into reality.  Thank You and hold them close.  Amen.

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