Archive for October, 2013

October 8, 2013

Scattered thoughts

18 plus 2

Approximately three years ago, on the 8th of a month, I was 18 weeks plus 2 days pregnant waiting to go in for my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. Today, on the 8th of October, I am 18 plus 2; we go tomorrow for the mid-way ultrasound. I have not really felt little one moving inside me, yet this morning as I sit, reflect, and type, I have felt flutters throughout these minutes that can only be our little one. After being excited, sick and exhausted for the first 13 weeks, I have missed Jedidiah more in the last 5 weeks than I realized I could at this stage. All tests and the confirmation ultrasound have been normal and good, so it is not fear of a bad outcome that provokes me to thoughtfulness. It is simply that Jedidiah would be two and half today had he lived. I have lived without him for two and a half years. It doesn’t seem possible; it seems like yesterday and it seems like a lifetime ago. I have probably typed that before and will probably do so again.

Loving another

I remember my family reminiscing about my uncle who passed away long before I was born. My uncle’s widow sat next to her husband as she shared memories along with everyone else. At one point, she began to cry, clearly missing him and hurting. It was her husband, the man who would have never been in her life had my uncle lived, who reached over and held her as she sobbed. I have never forgotten his love, his sacrifice, or her grief. I was only a child.

Now, as a mother who has lost a child, I wonder about loving another little one. Jedidiah was my youngest, or would have been. I truly do not believe we would have had another child had he lived. Can I love him or her as I do Jedidiah?
When I was pregnant the second time, I wondered about loving any child the way I loved my first son. But, of course, as has been said through the centuries… the love multiplies, not divides. (Oh, if the same could be said for time, but, alas, I digress.) As soon as my second son arrived, I understood. So, while logically and experientially I understand that this is my child, and I will love him or her unconditionally and overwhelmingly as I have all my children, I still wonder.

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