Looking back at some of Jedidiah’s pictures the last couple of days, I noticed that in a few of them, just before and after they moved us from the delivery room to the postpartum room, his coloring is so gray/blue.  His hands are down away from his face, and he looks like he will be gone soon.  What amazes me is that even after his heartbeat had dropped into the 60s and the nurse told us that it probably wouldn’t be much longer, God energized Jedidiah’s heart–pinking him up, bringing up those fists, ready to fight for more time to make an impact on this earth.

My heart has ached alot for him this week.  Probably because I experienced my first day without thinking of him.  I was busy and stressed and I didn’t think of him.  When I realized it, I was so ashamed for a moment.  What kind of mother does that?  But, I think God allowed me to have that time so that I could see that even if I spend a day focused elsewhere, Jedidiah still matters.  And, time is healing.  I cannot be mired in grief and shame if I am to be effective for the glory of God or for loving my ‘still earthly’ children. (I can’t say ‘living’ children because Jedidiah still lives, just not with me).

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