I dropped the children off at Alive Hospice’s Camp Forget-Me-Not this morning. Since I was so overwhelmed with emotions on Thursday’s introductory meeting, I did not expect today to be hard. But, it was. The emotions, the questions, the confusion… all within me, all hitting at once.
I wasn’t sure that I wanted to give into the tears for fear once they began, I would not be able to stop them with no one around. I would love to say that I prayed and asked the LORD for guidance, but I must admit that I did not. Maybe I would have been able to see clearly what to do next if I had. Nevertheless, I decided that I would not go inside the house and try to find a way to hide from my emotions, yet I would not let them control me either. You see, I eat or read when I want to get away from overwhelming thoughts or feelings. Of course, I also enjoy those activities when not stressed or emotional, so that is why I have been kicking myself at the end of many days. With so much reading and eating, my body is sluggish and my time is consumed. My coping choices are encouraging my depressed and negligent feelings. However, being active seems to turn my brain on overdrive, so I feared that, too.
Knowing that I needed to stop with my regrets at the end of every day, I decided to mow the lawn. Instead of letting my mind swirl, God let me just focus on the task at hand. Of course, when I came to the Jedidiah tree (a gift from family friends), I thought about him, but then I began thinking about how I could safely transport it if we ever move, so I stopped the downward spiral.
No, thinking about my boy is not a downward spiral, but right now, I need to stay focused on what the boys and my niece will need when they get home at the end of the day. There are times, and there will be more times, when I need to focus on my own emotional needs, but I truly believe that today I needed to be physical for me but open emotional for the children. I pray now that I am right.
We are Jedidiah. 