We are Jedidiah.

I have been having heart palpitations since September.  They have been different than the others I have had since Joshua was born, so I wanted reassurance from a cardiologist.  He is sure that all is well, but he ordered an echo doppler (heart ultrasound) to be safe.  I prefer to go to doctor’s appointments alone, unless I am having a baby ultrasound.  🙂 Jim wanted to come with me, and even though it seemed awkward to me, I thought it was very sweet and didn’t try to talk him out of it; he is my husband, after all.  Apparently, however, the policy is no extra peeps in the room.  So, he waited in the waiting room.  Boy was I angry!  I couldn’t figure out why until I had lain down and looked at the ultrasound screen.  I was immediately taken back to all those baby ultrasounds we had with Jedidiah.  I couldn’t look at the screen, and I silently cried for my little one.  I was doing ok until she turned on the volume and I heard my heart beating.  I couldn’t hold back the sobs and the poor girl was so worried about me.  I choked out why I was crying and she went to get Jim for me.  God knew I needed him near.  She gave us a few minutes alone.  The stabbing pain, the searing ache… I felt them anew.   I had to choose, again, to focus on all the positives–all the love, all the opportunities for reaching people, all the joy that Jedidiah’s life has brought.

Guess what!?  Heather and Nathan from NewsChannel 5 have been nominated for an Emmy for the story that they did on Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, following our time with Jedidiah!  I am so proud of them and so happy that more people can be touched by our little guy’s story.  They told it soooo well, and they are such amazing, talented journalists.  Here is the web address if you want to see the story… http://www.newschannel5.com/story/14682478/family-finds-comfort-in-photographs?clienttype=printable

If I ever figure out how to attach video or pictures on here, I will certainly get a copy on here.

Have a blessed day, everyone!

Jim and I were invited by Allen (nilmdts Area Coordinator) to speak at MTSU’s Health and Wellness class.  The topic was Death and Dying.  We had not seen Jedidiah’s news video for a while.  Allen showed it just before introducing us and opening the time for questions.  Wow, the emotion of that moment–hearing Jedi’s little sweet sounds, feeling Jim’s raw emotion beside me, being nervous in front of the students.  Thankfully, the professor was prepared to start the questions because the students didn’t know that we were there and they looked like deer caught in the headlights!  The discussion was wonderful, and I pray that God uses our words to help some of the students heal from their losses.

because He first loved us.

I have not been able to convey all that God has done, but I wanted to put an update on here, so here is a nugget adapted from a message to a friend on August 30.

“I didn’t write back because I was in a really bad place.  I felt lost, alone, frustrated, meaningless, etc.  I knew none of it was true but knowing something and feeling it are two very different things.  Then, nine days ago, I saw pictures of Jedidiah after he had died and a song that my sweet niece sang as they drove his body away played on the radio.  I felt loved by God.  But, it didn’t change my heart toward Him or my family, who I felt I was slipping further and further from each and every day.

Just a few days before in belligerence (sp) and defiance, I looked at the mirror and told God that if Jedidiah’s life was met to bring Him glory, I couldn’t see it and He would have to prove it to me.  You see, my hair has been falling out since my tubal pregnancy surgery and it got worse after my boy died.  I was angry and I told God that He was going to have to grow my hair back before I would trust Him.  It was wrong, and I knew it, but I couldn’t feel anything else.  I saw Jedi’s pictures and heard the song (Praise You in the Storm) that Sunday morning.  I wasn’t able to praise and worship that morning in church; I felt like such a hypocrite.

Then, that afternoon, I looked in the mirror and four new hairs were growing at the front of my hair.  They are gray, but they are beautiful.  I knew at that moment that Jedidiah’s life AND death were part of His plan.  I don’t like it; I don’t understand it, but Jedi’s life has touched so many others that I can’t deny that without him, I wouldn’t be who I am.

I hesitated to write you about my experience, but I feel that I can breathe again.  I feel that I am living again.  I love my boys so much more than I did.  I am no longer falling apart.

So, that’s how I am.  I still want him in my arms and I still cry, but I am moving forward living, not slowly dying.”

May God bless you all tonight with the simplicity and magnitude of His love.

Jim and Jacob left for a medical mission trip just a few minutes ago.  I didn’t expect it to be so very hard to see them drive away.  With my heart still hurting, I don’t know if I could bear to have anything happen to them–even just being sick, as ridiculous as that sounds.

As the minivan drove away under the street lights, I was taken back to the night the funeral home assistant drove little Jedidiah’s body away from us.  Why is that everywhere I look and everything I do reminds me of him in some way?  I must stay focused on the here and now, on the joyful not the sad!

I am very grateful that they are able to go on this trip, working as part of the team that has been to the area many times helping people with their medical and dental needs.  I pray that God moves in the hearts of many down there, including Jim and Jacob’s.  They are so treasured.  And, I know that I will have to get to know them all over again when they get back.  There is always something new and exciting in life, even in the people we see every day.