A Heart Beat

I have been having heart palpitations since September.  They have been different than the others I have had since Joshua was born, so I wanted reassurance from a cardiologist.  He is sure that all is well, but he ordered an echo doppler (heart ultrasound) to be safe.  I prefer to go to doctor’s appointments alone, unless I am having a baby ultrasound.  🙂 Jim wanted to come with me, and even though it seemed awkward to me, I thought it was very sweet and didn’t try to talk him out of it; he is my husband, after all.  Apparently, however, the policy is no extra peeps in the room.  So, he waited in the waiting room.  Boy was I angry!  I couldn’t figure out why until I had lain down and looked at the ultrasound screen.  I was immediately taken back to all those baby ultrasounds we had with Jedidiah.  I couldn’t look at the screen, and I silently cried for my little one.  I was doing ok until she turned on the volume and I heard my heart beating.  I couldn’t hold back the sobs and the poor girl was so worried about me.  I choked out why I was crying and she went to get Jim for me.  God knew I needed him near.  She gave us a few minutes alone.  The stabbing pain, the searing ache… I felt them anew.   I had to choose, again, to focus on all the positives–all the love, all the opportunities for reaching people, all the joy that Jedidiah’s life has brought.

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