because He first loved us.
I have not been able to convey all that God has done, but I wanted to put an update on here, so here is a nugget adapted from a message to a friend on August 30.
“I didn’t write back because I was in a really bad place. I felt lost, alone, frustrated, meaningless, etc. I knew none of it was true but knowing something and feeling it are two very different things. Then, nine days ago, I saw pictures of Jedidiah after he had died and a song that my sweet niece sang as they drove his body away played on the radio. I felt loved by God. But, it didn’t change my heart toward Him or my family, who I felt I was slipping further and further from each and every day.
Just a few days before in belligerence (sp) and defiance, I looked at the mirror and told God that if Jedidiah’s life was met to bring Him glory, I couldn’t see it and He would have to prove it to me. You see, my hair has been falling out since my tubal pregnancy surgery and it got worse after my boy died. I was angry and I told God that He was going to have to grow my hair back before I would trust Him. It was wrong, and I knew it, but I couldn’t feel anything else. I saw Jedi’s pictures and heard the song (Praise You in the Storm) that Sunday morning. I wasn’t able to praise and worship that morning in church; I felt like such a hypocrite.
Then, that afternoon, I looked in the mirror and four new hairs were growing at the front of my hair. They are gray, but they are beautiful. I knew at that moment that Jedidiah’s life AND death were part of His plan. I don’t like it; I don’t understand it, but Jedi’s life has touched so many others that I can’t deny that without him, I wouldn’t be who I am.
I hesitated to write you about my experience, but I feel that I can breathe again. I feel that I am living again. I love my boys so much more than I did. I am no longer falling apart.
So, that’s how I am. I still want him in my arms and I still cry, but I am moving forward living, not slowly dying.”
May God bless you all tonight with the simplicity and magnitude of His love.
We are Jedidiah. 