My 10th Mother’s Day Without You

A note to my sweet baby Jedi on this rainy Mother’s Day… In church today, the deacon asked mothers with three or more children to stand, then four or more to stay standing, then five or more to stay standing, and then six or more. I felt silly for standing and felt even sillier when I sat down as all the other mothers with only five children sat down. You were on my mind all along, and I was not denying your existence, but I didn’t want to field any questions today about your death. Some days are just harder than others. The reality is that most of the people probably wouldn’t even have known or asked, but sometimes, I say I have five children to protect my heart, but then, I feel I have betrayed you if I deny you are numbered among my sons.

Now, I feel like a fraud, like I have let you and the Lord down – because your short life and death impacted me and so many others. (And, how, exactly, will I explain that I actually have six sons as we get to know more folks at our church?)

Ah, Jedidiah, I know you are in heaven and this earthly concern is not yours, but, Lord, please bring me comfort. The grief journey is so hard at times.

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