Not Knowing

I just received a phone call from Vanderbilt’s pediatric billing office.  They wanted to know if we would be adding Jedidiah to our insurance.  I had to say, “Jedidiah died later that same day.” She was so shocked and apologetic.  It is their policy to wait until they verify a child is added to the insurance before billing in order to avoid problems for the family with all the insurance red tape, rejections, etc.  It is a good policy.  But…

I want to throw something.  I am not mad at her.  I have wanted to throw things many times in the past five and a half weeks.  Anger at a specific person has never been the reason.  Anger in general is not really the reason either, although I feel angry sometimes.  The reason is release.  There is no full release of the emotions I feel.  There is no safe place to release all that I feel.  I don’t truly know what I feel; if I begin to release it, there is no telling what the room would end up looking like.  I know that many others have been able to get through the loss of a child with much more grace and calm than I, but I don’t feel graceful or calm.  I have a peace from God that Jedidiah’s life was planned from beginning to end and that I was honored to carry and birth him, but I did not carry or birth him with grace or calm, nor am I grieving him with grace or calm.  I feel like I am about to explode.

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