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October 8, 2013

Scattered thoughts

18 plus 2

Approximately three years ago, on the 8th of a month, I was 18 weeks plus 2 days pregnant waiting to go in for my mid-pregnancy ultrasound. Today, on the 8th of October, I am 18 plus 2; we go tomorrow for the mid-way ultrasound. I have not really felt little one moving inside me, yet this morning as I sit, reflect, and type, I have felt flutters throughout these minutes that can only be our little one. After being excited, sick and exhausted for the first 13 weeks, I have missed Jedidiah more in the last 5 weeks than I realized I could at this stage. All tests and the confirmation ultrasound have been normal and good, so it is not fear of a bad outcome that provokes me to thoughtfulness. It is simply that Jedidiah would be two and half today had he lived. I have lived without him for two and a half years. It doesn’t seem possible; it seems like yesterday and it seems like a lifetime ago. I have probably typed that before and will probably do so again.

Loving another

I remember my family reminiscing about my uncle who passed away long before I was born. My uncle’s widow sat next to her husband as she shared memories along with everyone else. At one point, she began to cry, clearly missing him and hurting. It was her husband, the man who would have never been in her life had my uncle lived, who reached over and held her as she sobbed. I have never forgotten his love, his sacrifice, or her grief. I was only a child.

Now, as a mother who has lost a child, I wonder about loving another little one. Jedidiah was my youngest, or would have been. I truly do not believe we would have had another child had he lived. Can I love him or her as I do Jedidiah?
When I was pregnant the second time, I wondered about loving any child the way I loved my first son. But, of course, as has been said through the centuries… the love multiplies, not divides. (Oh, if the same could be said for time, but, alas, I digress.) As soon as my second son arrived, I understood. So, while logically and experientially I understand that this is my child, and I will love him or her unconditionally and overwhelmingly as I have all my children, I still wonder.

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August 20, 2013

Baby Corbin

Baby Corbin passed away two days ago.  He defied many of the trisomy 13 medical odds and lived his earthly life in 135 days (I believe that is the correct number).  His life was limited but it was full!   My heart rejoices for the days and the moments that they had together, and it also breaks for his family knowing what these coming days, weeks, and months hold.

Yet, I must admit I am jealous of all the days they had with him.  I know; I shouldn’t be.  God ordained Jedidiah’s earthly life to be exactly 63660 seconds.  But, I would love to have one more moment, one more look into his eyes, one more grip of his strong little hand.  Sometimes, trusting the LORD, even when you have seen and lived in His amazing power and grace, is still a moment by moment choice.

I hope the family has the support, love, and encouragement that we did… not just strangers like me who saw their page on facebook, but people who are going to be there for the ins and outs, ups and downs of grief and loss and finding a new “normal” (which is only a partial possibility because the loss of a child means you may never feel normal again… close, but the sound of baby’s cry or a baby’s smile or a pregnant mama or something completely unrelated may send you reeling when you least expect it, even years later).

May God surround them with the overwhelming knowledge and love and comfort that only He can give and that He sometimes chooses to deliver through the hands and feet of those who love Him.

My continued gratitude to those of you who loved us through our time of intense loss and continue to support and love us still, even when you don’t understand the tears of the moment.

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July 10, 2013

Their Sweet M&M

Myla Michelle was born into heaven on July 3rd. Her name means ‘merciful.’

Her parents speak of the joy in the sadness and the beauty of her short life. The doctors had it all wrong, telling them even that Myla would be a boy. Medicine isn’t perfect.

Nonetheless, her mama knew her. She saw her beauty and her perfection packed into 3 lb 11 oz. Myla’s mama was awakened each morning by her little early bird, spending time getting to know each other as only a mama and baby can.

Daddy has been strong and loving, and he wore pink for his little girl’s funeral. Myla’s mama and daddy had to make the tough choice of bringing her into the world a bit early for mama’s health concerns. What a decision that none of us ever want to face.

They say good bye to their sweet M&M this afternoon, right about now as I type. As Myla’s body goes to her earthly resting place, please wrap your prayers around them. While they know her spirit is in heaven with the LORD, the separation will be almost unbearable. A pain that no one can take for them, that no one but God can ease for them.

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July 1, 2013

Meeting a mama

What a blessing! I just had the opportunity to speak with a mama who is carrying her son to birth, despite recommendations to the contrary. There are many unknowns in their story, but Baby’s heart is strong, and she is taking each day, each moment, as it comes.

Please join me in praying for them. Daddy needs prayer for wisdom in making immediate medical decisions when the time comes, and Mama needs continued peace to carry her son knowing that goodbye is a great possibility.

LORD, please wrap Your arms around them as only You can, and keep them in the comfort of Your love as they embrace the life You have ordained.

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April 8, 2013

Happy 2nd birthday, Jedidiah!

I had a wonderful opportunity to speak at a women’s Bible study during their testimonial series earlier this year.  I was able to write down my testimony from the past three and a half years.  During that time, I wept and I laughed.  I remembered magnificent and dreadful moments that had gotten concealed in the passage of time.

Grief does not go away.  It doesn’t even change.  Jedidiah is my son.  It is as true today as it was two years ago, yet as life marches forward; new babies are born to friends, weekly activities overtake birthdays, and those physically present before us become the ones we pour into.  The passage of time will bring new awareness, new understanding, new needs, and new loves.  But, it does not change grief.

Encarta’s definition of grief is “intense sorrow…great sadness, especially as a result of a death.”  No, grief does not change.   Not for me.  In any moment I can feel the intensity of the loss of my son.  I can feel my arms empty.  I can feel my heart heavy.  I can’t specifically recall his smell, yet I know that it was sweet and strong.  The passage of time will take away memories, will lessen the ability to stay caught in the moment of death, will give fresh perspective, will reveal God’s purpose, will bring comfort.

While the grief itself will not change, the process of grieving does.  The passage of time will force change.  I am so thankful for my moments with Jedidiah, and I am thankful for the last two years.  God uses the passage of time to reveal His bigger plan, His greater purpose.  I can become a blubbering mess in 2.2 seconds and reenter my grief at any time, but God holds me tight and loves me and shows me “why” and “what now.”  So, I don’t most of the time, not now.  I choose what I think about, focus on, and do with what I have.  Everyone must as time passes—whether they have lost a child or another loved one, or even if they are simply having a rough time in life.

So, today we honor Jedidiah by moving on with life.  His brother gets his braces off, and all of his brothers will be at Scouts this evening.  And, today we honor Jedidiah by stopping to think of him in specific ways.  His father took the day off to be close by my side; we will take cookies to the team at Vanderbilt, we will cook dinner for friends with a new baby, and we will bake a cake to celebrate his life.

My many thanks to those of you who have been aware of his birthday and have taken the time to reach out to me, letting me know that he has not been forgotten by you.

May God shine upon you today, and reveal His immense and marvelous love.

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