Archive for April 8th, 2015

April 8, 2015

Four years ago…

I was sure that I could never come to a place where I would wear the shirt I wore in Jedidiah’s nilmdts maternity photo shoot. I had bought the shirt for that purpose; it still had creases from where we folded it to show off my Jedidiah belly. On Easter, three days ago, I wore the shirt for the first time in more than four years. I had left the shirt hanging on its hanger, moved when we moved. No one knew what the shirt meant. It is just a shirt, after all. But, to me, it was so much more.
Four years and a day ago I would not have put that shirt on. At no time in the last four years could I have brought myself to do so. Am I a freak? No, I am grieving. “But, Kim,” you say, “it has been four years today. Surely, you are beyond that by now.”
Four years and a day ago I may have thought the same thing. The reality is that for 36+ years, I walked through life not knowing the grief process. Oh, I could list the stages of grief and I could sympathize with someone, but I did not KNOW the grief process. And, the truth is, the grief process is a life-long process. As many have said and as I recently read in an article about Keanu Reeves, “All you can do is hope that grief will be transformed.”
Grief is transformed when I receive a hug from my “love letter from God” and his big brothers. Grief is transformed when I look at Jedidiah’s precious pictures and smile. Grief is transformed when I speak of his impact. Grief is transformed when I choose not to speak. Grief is transformed when I trust (but possibly not always feel) that Jedidiah’s life and his death were God’s plan, His plan A. Grief is transformed when I receive the outpouring of love that so many of you, my friends and family, have expressed.
I am transformed for having held my son, weathered the dark months of nightmares and pain, coming out the other side to KNOW that there is a God and He loves me, loved me enough to trust with me with one of his precious ones.
So far, today has been Jedidiah’s hardest birthday for me. I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t have specific plans because so much of everyday life could not be altered. Maybe because what I had wanted to do to commemorate his life this year was not able to happen. Maybe it is simply one of those days where God is holding me tight as I relive the loss so that as we walk into a time of ministering to others, I am better equipped to meet their needs. Whatever the reason… THANK YOU to those of you who have prayed and who continue to pray for me. I could not make it through without your prayers. God, please give my baby a hug from me.

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