I haven’t posted in a while.

I haven’t written in a while.  There are many reasons why.  One, our lives have been so turned up side down with a new little one.  Yes, Joseph Michael–whose name means “God will increase; who is like God?–made his way into the world in early March.  Two, I wanted to announce it in grand fashion, yet, at the same time, I wanted to keep everything to myself.  Three, what do I say?  Will I repeat myself? Joseph’s birth brought up many past struggles.  Four, will it matter?  I am a rain poet.  My writing, my blogging, is designed to help me get through the tough stuff and to stay honest, open, and transparent (H.O.T.) in this world of fake smiles and breaking hearts.  I want to glorify the LORD, always, in all I say and do.  I fail miserably at times.  In fact, my Bible reading and devotional time has been sorely lacking in the past four months or so.  How do I point everyone to Him when I haven’t been keeping focused on Him myself?  Five, it is hard for me to sit down and write the good stuff.  And, thankfully, there has been so much “good stuff!”

But, here goes.  In December, my family had the opportunity to participate in a research study about how parents help their children grieve the loss of a sibling.   Through that study, I realized that I wanted a huge juxtaposition from Jedidiah’s birth for our new baby.  Whereas, anyone and everyone was welcome to join us for Jedidiah’s labor, delivery, and few hours together, with Joseph I asked everyone, including my own mother and children, to stay away as Jim and I welcomed this new little one to our family.  I see other mamas invite in their family, and I felt selfish and rude, yet I needed to begin this little one’s life focused on him and him alone.  Ever try getting out of your own way?!

And, quite honestly, I had no idea how I would react.  I have had five unmedicated births, and with three of them now, I am a screamer.  Not the whole time, mind you, just during pushing.  (Guess what?  It helps.   But, I digress.)  Knowing that each birth is unique (and unmedicated childbirth is tough enough), I didn’t want an audience this time.  I just didn’t know how I was going to be able to get through another birth after giving birth to my little man and losing him.  I didn’t want anyone around to see me lose it if I lost it.  I didn’t want their opinions, their sympathy, their looks to each other from across the room, their sighs, their tears, or their joy, their elation, their praises when I might be feeling the opposite of them.  I was selfish.

With all my other deliveries, I remember minute details; it is kinda creepy.  With Joseph, my husband tells me he was rubbing my back through most of the last two hours.  I do not remember it.  Labor with Joseph was prayer after prayer after prayer with every contraction except one.  One contraction in five hours was the only time I was not falling at the feet of our LORD.  Why? Well, one reason… labor hurts. 🙂  But, also, because I could not possibly have gotten through bringing this sweet blessing into the world without the LORD holding me as He always has.  Would I be able to give birth or would I just give up?

In a way, I did give up.  I just let contraction after contraction wave over me even though I was complete.  I was spent, and I didn’t want to face my inadequacy of possibility not being “over my grief.”  God had shown me His love and His power and His glory, and, now, He had blessed me again with another son.  I should be focused and strong.  And, I was, but what if I wasn’t at the moment it was needed?  I overthink things, and I just couldn’t think, feel, or move anymore.

So, the LORD made sure that Joseph needed my focus (he was decelling–sp??) and He made sure that I realized that I just couldn’t do this alone.  My doctor, my husband, and the technician were there helping me stay focused and strong to bring Joseph into the world without emergency surgery.

I needed to be led through the birthing process; I had to return to the step-by-step process of the details of delivery.

I need to be led to the glory and refreshment of God’s Word;  I need to return to the step-by-step process of spiritual disciplines and deepening relationship with the Creator of the universe, the Creator of my heart.

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