January 2011

January 14—fb post
so glad to have distracting library books this night!

Early January, 2011
Waiting to Say Goodbye

I was speaking with a close friend, explaining what we had recently learned about our precious little one, when she asked what we will do now.  I told her, “We wait.”  I didn’t know what else to say.  She asked, “What are you waiting for?”  That’s when it hit me… “We wait to say goodbye.”

We know that we will be earthly separated from each and every one some day.  We hold to the hope that there is more after this life, that we will be reunited in heaven.  That is what got me through the loss of our baby #5, one too little to even know if she was a boy or girl, but who in my heart has been known to me as Savannah Grace.  Knowing that someday I would have the chance to hold her, as I never got the chance down here.

But, with Jedidiah, it is different.  So far, no one can experience the moments and the pleasure, the hope and the happiness, that he brings to this earthly life.  No one but me.  Waiting to say goodbye to someone whose heart
beat I have seen, whose very life depends on me…  I wait.

Everyday, the chance increases that I may see him take a breath.   Yet, if that breath would cause him to suffer…  But, my arms, my breasts, my heart, long to hold him, to suckle him, to look into his open and alive eyes.  I am waiting to say goodbye in God’s perfect timing.

January 11, 2011

Incompatible with Life
     Jedidiah is moving and shaking!  He has incredibly active days, days when I am so tired but he keeps me awake with his wiggles.  Incompatible with life?  He brings a smile to my face; is that incompatible with life?
     Jedidiah’s medical condition teaches me how to look at my other children differently.  Instead of seeing their imperfections, I only see their beauty.  Instead of seeing their mistakes, I can better see their triumphs.  Incompatible with life? He teaches me to focus on the positive; is that incompatible with life?
     Jedidiah allows strangers to reach out and express their emotions and their stories—to bring me comfort, joy,
and peace in the midst of their own sorrows.  We are brought together by a baby not yet outside the womb.  Is that incompatible with life?
     Jedidiah makes me rethink my entire purpose for living on this earth.  I realize that I am not here for my own pleasure and enjoyment.  I am here to bring God glory and invest in the relationships He has given me.
Incompatible with life?
     He shows me how to accept God’s gifts—no matter what the package, no matter what the time frame; is that incompatible with life?
     Jedidiah’s life will be short.  No matter how I look at the situation, I know that I will have to say goodbye to him.  I could have taken control of when that will be, or I can cherish every moment of every day.  He instills in me a desire to treasure even the tiniest of moments; is that incompatible with life?

January 11—fb post
“But I’m here right now. I can hear you say-make the most of me. This won’t go to waste… This life was meant to
shine. It’s in my heart. It’s in my soul. Live every day just to make it known.”

January 8—fb post
Up… and Jedidiah is wiggly!

January 2—fb post
How wonderful to feel Jedidiah moving around!

January 1, 2011—fb post
A new year… a new hope. May you be joyful this year, come what may.

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